This Product Is Known To Cause Cancer In California

I have very recently purchased an ice cream dipper.

I assumed that it would be similar in function to an ice cream scoop…but I am not an expert. It is not a technical nor complicated device. In fact, after reading the user’s manual I realized it had zero moving parts. What struck me as unusual, however, was the warning emblazoned on the box. It read:

Part of this product may contain chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer, or birth defects or other reproductive harm.

This is great information! I sometimes go to California, so I need to know what items cause cancer or birth defects in unborn children before I travel there. If the dipper is being used for its intended purpose though, is it still dangerous? I would like to think that reproductive harm does not pair well with Fudge Ripple.

Thank the lucky stars that I live in a healthy, safe state like Idaho where the most dangerous things you encounter are Utah drivers and wicked-sharp shell fragments in scrambled eggs. I have heard of maulings by a miniature goat, but I am sure that is just fear-mongering created by the anti-miniature goat movement.

Why is California different?

Is there a geographic anomaly that I don’t know about? Or have Californians evolved with a weaker immune system? These are questions that need to be answered. They used to stop you at the border looking for fruits and vegetables. Drugs are ok…but don’t try to bring any rutabagas in! Soon they will detain and prosecute individuals trafficking in ice cream dippers and plastic grocery bags.

Why is this information known to the state of California, but not to the people of California? Have their weakened immune systems lessened their mental capabilities? Or is it something more sinister?

The state is allowing dangerous ice cream dippers and laundry detergent pods to be distributed among the population…the population then eats them, smokes them, or grinds them up and snorts it. California can tax the import, the sale, the medical care, and your estate when you die from cancer…as long as you were warned about the potential dangers.

Upon further reflection,

I have decided not to use my new California-cancer-causing ice cream dipper after all. I think I will forego dessert altogether and snort some nice rutabaga chips. The fact that a simple ice cream dipper could possibly…potentially…maybe cause cancer, birth defects or other reproductive harm may suck, but Idaho does not.

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