Where real life and fiction meet…and touch each other inappropriately.
My wife has discovered my dirty little secret. It was inevitable. She started to get suspicious when I would hide my phone screen whenever she came near. She would ask, “Why are you smiling at your phone like that?”I’m sure the guilty look on my face didn’t support whatever lame excuse I made.
Continue reading “My Dirty Little Secret”
There is another entity that resides in my home that is neither my wife nor my children…it is also not me. Before you go off the deep end conjuring up images of ghosts, goblins, or ghouls; I should mention that the entity is the collective “we”. Let me explain how it works. I might say to my wife, “we need to do some laundry this weekend.”
Continue reading ““We” Need To Mow The Lawn!”
There is a strange and worrisome phenomenon that occurs in my home. I think it may involve black magic. I speak of the dark art of witches, warlocks, and voodoo practitioners…not the teeny bopper song by Little Mix. It involves sleight of hand, chicanery, illusion, and the Vulcan mind-meld all rolled into one. Here is a common scenario: Continue reading “It Must Have Been Behind The Pickles”
I would like to take this opportunity to talk about something of grave importance. There is a portion of the population, mainly middle-aged men, who have an unfortunate physical characteristic. It is a very debilitating affliction that causes discomfort and embarrassment. These poor souls are actually missing a vital part of their anatomy. Continue reading “A Common Affliction of the Middle-aged Man”
I occasionally get a wild hair idea, and recently it actually involved my hair. After reading an article on men’s hairstyles (thank you Facebook for putting important stuff in my feed) I felt the need to have an undercut. The undercut hairstyle is characterized by very short, or shaved sides and back with the top longer, usually much longer. There are many variations…but I felt drawn to the man-bun, or samurai top knot if you prefer (and I do.) Continue reading “The Dad Bod Tutorial”
I have thought from time to time that I would like to keep a few chickens. Fresh eggs are far more enjoyable and healthier than those at the grocery store. I have a charming picture in my head of several hens clucking about the yard keeping the bug population in check and providing the main ingredient for an omelet. My wife is vehemently opposed to the idea. It may be her irrational fear of all birds, but I’m not sure. Continue reading “Lament of a chicken herder”
I assumed that it would be similar in function to an ice cream scoop…but I am not an expert. It is not a technical nor complicated device. In fact, after reading the user’s manual I realized it had zero moving parts. What struck me as unusual, however, was the warning emblazoned on the box. It read:
Part of this product may contain chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer, or birth defects or other reproductive harm. Continue reading “This Product Is Known To Cause Cancer In California”
I was recently asked to leave a local establishment because of a particular item I was wearing. The proprietor said that the article in question was offensive to the other patrons who were trying to eat their breakfast. No, I was not wearing a firearm in a restaurant. Why would you think that? It was in my own kitchen, and I was wearing cut-off jean shorts. My wife told me that I was free to wear whatever I wanted in the privacy of our bedroom, or in the garage, but that I was forbidden to wear them in any public place. Continue reading “My Battle Against Conformity”
Today I would like to discuss a serious illness. Seasonal depression, or Seasonal Affective Disorder with the super-not-so-cute acronym SAD. This affliction is characterized by extreme mood changes with the seasons. Winter seems to be the season that causes the most grief, but there are some weirdos that suffer in the summer. Symptoms include, but are not limited to inability to rise in the morning, tendency to overeat carbohydrates, lack of energy, and REDUCED SEX DRIVE. So, now we know that cold weather impairs the whoopie-receptors (Yes, we have those). All of this leads to pessimism, depression, and hopelessness. (And you thought it was our country’s economic and political situation.) Continue reading “Add Sucks To Eliminate SAD”
One time, I asked my wife, “Honey, is it okay if I wear thongs?” to whatever outing we were attending.
She looked over her decidedly sexy glasses at me, then curled her lip in disgust (not so sexy all of a sudden). “I will hurl if I EV-ER see you in a thong!” she enunciated in case I couldn’t hear her, “Your hairy legs go straight into your back completely bypassing any feature that resembles a butt!” She then made noises like a cat coughing up a hairball. I got the idea. Continue reading “The Appropriateness of Thongs”