Valentine’s Day Emergency

We interrupt our regularly scheduled blog, (which generally occurs when I can put the donut down long enough to type), to address the Valentine’s Day emergency. Today men and women everywhere are waking up in a cold sweat with the realization that they have waited until the last possible moment to come up with the perfect gift, or perfect date, for their significant other. Actually its only men…women tend to have their business in order when to comes to gifts, or even just remembering important dates.

You may be tempted to run to the grocery store and purchase whatever sad, picked-over flowers are left, paired with a hastily selected card. Stop! This screams to the world that you procrastinated and your sweetheart doesn’t deserve a thoughtful, romantic remembrance of your relationship. Now, you may argue that she told you…and you were actually looking at her as she spoke, that a gift wasn’t necessary; she’s just happy to have you in her life. Horse pucky and bubblenuggets! She craves something so spectacularly unique that the standards for Valentine’s Day will be changed forever.

Gone are the days of candy hearts with quaint messages printed on them. Roses are a tired marketing strategy created by the floral industry that doesn’t seem relevant in our connected world. Your love needs to be proclaimed publicly through social media: singing a song you wrote on youtube, pictures of the special dinner you cooked on Instagram, a running commentary of your date on Twitter, and a Vine of you smooching that special someone . Nothing says “I love you” louder than putting it out there for the whole world to see.

As with all holidays, Valentine’s Day has become a commercial endeavor. We are led to believe that the only way to profess your undying admiration is to spend money. Every additional dollar spent is like a degree of devotion. A traditional card with a heartfelt message actually says “let’s just be friends”. You must open your wallet to send a truly loving and profound statement. As an American and capitalist, I must say that I approve. More important than your message…how can I cash in on it?

Some men might be thinking along the lines of waiting for their wife or girlfriend in the bedroom. Candles lit and soft music playing, rose petals sprinkled on the bed. Perhaps you purchased a sexy little ensemble that includes a bowtie…and not much else. (Cringe) Cease and desist! She will still see this as a gift for you. As with many things that work for women, the reciprocal does not work for us. In her eyes you’re still the same heavy breather in whitey tighties that tries to grope her every other night of the year. Sorry guys…trust me, I’ve tried it.

If your valentine, like mine, is not keen on public displays of affection (PDAs), this is one day you can not be denied. PDA your ass off! Hold hands, kiss, and touch her butt all in the most crowded place you can find. However, no one will notice because they are also kissing and butt-touching.

Whatever you decide to do for or with your spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend, traditional or alternative relationship, make it special. Let that person know that you value them and they complete you (point at person, form “c” with hands, then point at yourself with thumb). Dance, sing, recite poetry and generally make a complete fool of yourself to get the message across. This is a day to celebrate romantic love, and that’s fine, but be in love every day. It makes for a much happier and satisfying life.


I now proclaim my deep regard, intense like, and extreme physical compatibility with my wife in this public blog. Oh snap! I did that on our anniversary. I better run to the grocery store and see if there are any flowers left. Idaho doesn’t suck…and neither does seducing your lover on Valentine’s Day. (wink, wink)



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