Ridicule Others and Improve Self-Esteem

In cooperation with established research entities (YouTube mostly), I have developed one sure-fire way to feel better about yourself. This method has been scientifically proven by some science guys in a comprehensive study. The details of that study are not herein important, but I wanted you to know that this is a legitimate presentation. So here it is: the surest way to improve your own feelings of worth and satisfaction is to make fun of other people. Now hold on turbo…I know that this sounds really simple and silly to begin with, but bear with me. The following is a primer on how to ridicule others and improve self-esteem.

The most important thing to understand here is that everything in life is a zero-sum game; someone has to lose in order for you to win, so stop feeling bad about looking down on other people (your well-being depends on it). Now that I’ve got your squirrel brains set right (just working on my own self-image, no offense) let’s start with an example.

Say you are a “curvy” person, male or female, and you are in need of a new pair of jeans. The standard practice would be to find several pairs of jeans in your “curvy” size, or smaller if you really like punishment, and then parade them in front of a mirror behind double locked and checked dressing room door. After viewing from every discouraging vantage point in the cubicle, you thrust the unfolded garments at the attendant and run straight to the nearest Taco Bell vowing never to don jeans again.

There is a better approach, and it can be separated into three stages. It starts with what I like to call the cats-in-a-gunny-sack stage. Take your denim-jonesing self to the mall, or better yet WalMart, and do some people watching. It shouldn’t take long to find some poor soul with bad fashion sense, horrible taste…or both. Surreptitiously snap photos, video if possible for the full effect, of what appears to be two cats fighting in a gunny sack. Pause for a moment and consider how that immense girth was inserted into those skinny jeans. Proceed immediately to your favorite purveyor of indigo leggings while that vision is fresh in your mind.

You have now entered the on-the-catwalk stage, so shake your little tush on the catwalk…yeah, on the catwalk. You get the idea. The pants have not changed, your body has not miraculously changed, but your perspective has dramatically shifted. You can feel great about how you look after the fashion faux pas recently witnessed. Play the video while in the dressing room or hold up a photo for comparison. You are now rocking the crap out of your low-rise, hip-hugging dungarees. Look over your shoulder while bending over to observe your “rear view” and throw some sultry duck lips at the reflection. There will be a purchase today, and it won’t be a crispy Gordita!

As you exit the dressing room, surprising the attendant, you enter the cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof stage. Holding up your camera with the WalMart person emblazoned and still sporting duck lips, you break it down to the triumphant music in your head. There is butt bouncing, gyrating, chest thrusting, and even a little robot going on. This is also what we call a victory dance. Your newfound confidence, however, has surpassed your dance skill and someone is videoing you to make themselves feel better about their own dance skills. You look a little like a feline who has inadvertently wandered onto a metal roof that has been baking in the midday sun…thus the name of the stage.

This procedure is not limited to purchasing clothing. It can be adapted for any personal trait or characteristic and can even be done just for the fun of it. Casual ridicule is known to improve general well-being and personal satisfaction, even if you don’t have a specific goal in mind. Simply keep your eyes open for others to be at their most defenseless and jump on them like a starving lion on a baby deer. Clamp your powerful jaws around their metaphorical throats until the warm spray of victim juice stains your maw crimson. Wait…what were we talking about?

Not everyone will immediately be an expert at directed ridicule. I suggest that you start with family and friends. If you are caught making fun of their clothing or physical attributes, merely say “just kidding” or “no offense”. According to the unwritten social rules they can not, now, hold any of your words or actions against you even if a video has been uploaded to YouTube. Just be sure to buy them a taco. Significant others may require a “big box” meal to help repair any hurt feelings. Just be sure to have your camera ready in case crying impairs their table manners. The sobbing, choking, snorting, food-particle-spraying spectacle will help you feel good about your own dietary endeavors.

When it comes to implementing your ridicule senses (Yes, it is the 7th sense after ESP not to be confused with spider-sense, which is completely made-up.) you must develop them as you would a muscle. Daily use in a variety of manners and settings will improve your ability to wield ridicule. Your self-esteem will then also grow by leaps and bounds at the expense of everyone in your vicinity. Your imagination will be the greatest supplement to these activities. Initially, you may only see obvious things to make fun of: very large or skinny people, smart cars, poor dental care, fanny packs. After gaining a little confidence you will begin to notice more subtle things like back hair, ear hair, nose hair, nose rings, nose gauges, ear gauges, kimonos, anything prior to iPhone 5, and mispronounced words.

You now know everything I know, backed by science, about the art of ridicule and improving one’s self-esteem. For even more satisfaction engage in team ridicule, also known variously as gossiping, bullying, and mean-girlism. Nothing is quite as satisfying as team sports. You may reward your endeavors with a positive self-image, snug fitting jeans, another taco…and, what the hell, get yourself a puppy!

Disclaimer: No cats were harmed in this scientific study by science guys. I can’t say the same about the two fighting in YOUR gunnysack. Wink, wink…no offense. There were also no baby deer, tacos, or crispy Gorditas injured in the course of our research, metaphorical or otherwise. However, several baby whales were observed being strangled by yoga pants and tube tops in their native habitat at WalMart. International law made it impossible for us to intervene…but we have recorded the episodes for educational purposes.

Making fun of others for any perceived weakness has always been an American pastime. Being politically correct sucks…Idaho does not!

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