Man Bun, Dad Bod

I occasionally get a “wild hair” idea, and recently it actually involved my hair. After reading an article on men’s hairstyles (thank you Facebook for putting important stuff in my feed), I felt the need to have an undercut. The undercut hairstyle is characterized by very short, or shaved, sides and back with the top longer, usually much longer. There are many variations…but I felt drawn to the “man bun”, or samurai top knot if you prefer (and I do).

My wife asked why I couldn’t just get a Miata and a mistress for my midlife crisis like a normal person. She then immediately corrected herself saying I was definitely too poor for either Miata or mistress. As I reflect back on the moment, I believe it may have been what started her little eye twitch. She was staring at the ceiling muttering to herself after my declaration when the corner of her eye began to dance. I imagined it was signaling me in Morse code: you are over 40 (stop) why can’t you get a hobby (stop) I really need a drink (stop). However, I am very stubborn and had made up my mind that I was going to grow a man bun…strike that…a manly, bitchin’ samurai topknot. I would do a wink emoji here, but it would just look like a misplaced semicolon followed by a lonely parenthesis bracket.

I thought the topknot would be the perfect compliment to the “dad bod” that I have carefully cultivated. The dad bod is another male fashion accessory that has come into style lately. Women are tired of the narcissistic, muscular male and are seeking out the beer bellies and moobs formerly worn only by seasoned fathers and husbands (said no actual woman ever). Mine was achieved after years of pizza appreciation and television watching. My pecks now bounce seductively when I run to the refrigerator during commercials. Such that my wife has put a pg-13 rating on anything other than a walk for me.
It takes a ponderous length of time for hair to grow long on the average man’s head, as opposed to the ears and back. I remained in what is known as the “in-between” stage for months. All this means is that you only go to places and events where wearing a hat is acceptable. Having worn mainly short, conservative hairstyles my entire life, I had no idea what to do with my hair as it began to get longer. My teenage daughter offered this constructive advice: “Please wear a hat” (and she wouldn’t share her hair ties), but I persevered against incredible odds. I achieved the manly, bitchin’ samurai topknot to a total length of .75 inches. This is how I thought I looked:

This is how my wife said I looked:

I immediately cut my hair to a more manageable, less sexually-threatening length and focused my efforts on perfecting the “dad bod”. Now, the “dad bod” requires attention to three main anatomical areas: the rear end, the chest, and the belly. The posterior can have very little curvature, as if it has been parked on a bar stool for years. This decreases a man’s ability to keep pants aloft, often exposing the upper cleft inadvertently for all to see. (This may increase your rating to R in the presence of women, children, or the gag-reflex impaired.)

The abdomen should be full and distended for optimum effect. T-shirts can be worn one size too small to accentuate the belly and are the preferred apparel of dad bodders (sleeves are optional). Fluffy stomachs are not desirable. They should be composed of hard slabs of fat that peek out from beneath the shirt. It is entirely appropriate to rest the hands on the belly and the belly on any available surface, including children.
The main problem area for young men trying to achieve the dad bod is the chest. Time and gravity act in concert to drag a middle aged man’s pectorals in a southerly direction. What was once hard and manly becomes soft and reminiscent of a pre-teen girl (of course with the obvious addition of Brillo-like mats of gray hair). These are often called man boobs, or moobs, for the obvious reason. Some men go to the extreme length of developing lower back pain because of the size and weight of their male breasts. The things we do in the name of fashion!
I believe I have discovered why the dad bod is desirable to some women, or at least sought after. If a woman is escorted by a man with a pony keg under his shirt and in need of a training bra, she in contrast appears fit and attractive. Overhearing statements like “She’s WAY out of his league” or “He must have money” can be an ego boost for some women. So boys, here is my advice: your wife or girlfriend doesn’t want to jog, or cross-fit, or Pilates; she you wants you to be out of shape enough so you aren’t competition for attention. Ninety percent of the time she wants to punch you in the face, making her look good when you’re in public will go a long way.
The best way to be desirable to your significant other is skip the gym and grab a pizza…just be sure to share the pizza with her. Having a bitchin’, manly samurai topknot can’t hurt either, but if her eye starts twitching Morse code…maybe it’s not for you so much. The things we do for fashion and love occasionally suck, but Idaho does NOT!

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