Famous Potatoes

 

Unless you have your head buried in the sand, or some other less desirable place, you have heard of the Lay’s Do Us A Flavor campaign. Frito-Lay will pay one million dollars to the person who comes up with a new potato chip flavor that is ultimately voted from four finalists who, incidentally, receive $50,000 each. Sign me up! Right? The winner from the last flavor competition was Wasabi Ginger. It triumphed over Cheddar Bacon Mac and Cheese, Mango Salsa, Cappuccino, and about 14,000,000 million other flavor entries. Still…better odds than most lotteries, but a pretty small likelihood that my flavor will ultimately prevail.

I started thinking

One of my favorite pastimes is over-thinking everything. I considered the location-based theme of the Do Us A Flavor contest. What foods are Idaho famous for? If you don’t know, look at a license plate. It says: “Famous Potatoes” right across the bottom. Who are these famous potatoes? I can only think of the Mr. and Mrs. from Toy Story 1 through 17, or whatever sequel they are currently at. Unless…they mean that Idaho is famous for the potatoes it grows and exports! Bingo. Idaho produces about a billion dollars worth of the tuber a year.

So, after submitting a few flavor ideas that have probably already been thought of, I realized that the chip, rather, the potato is the true star. (Lay’s Classic is my favorite chip.) I suddenly realized that I was very passionate about potato chips and potatoes. I reached the conclusion that I am the ideal person to promote Lay’s Potato Chips. Rather than go through the tedious traditional method of approaching the company directly, I hereby announce my campaign to be Lay’s Potato Chips Unofficial Spokesperson.

I naturally expect this to be a very lucrative endeavor with a minimum of actual effort. I envision youtube videos of me eating potato chips and nodding my head emphatically. I can also do “man on the street” interviews with grocery shoppers in the potato chip aisle at the supermarket. Hopefully, I can get Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead to sit for an interview. A little “star power” never hurt a campaign.

My Career

Eventually, my success on social media will come to the attention of Lay’s executives. They will certainly offer me an official position as spokesperson for Lay’s chips. They are probably now sitting around a conference table at Frito-Lay headquarters asking each other what their flavor promotion is missing. The answer? A forty year old blue collar-ish type personality munching potato chips and nodding emphatically…duh. It doesn’t hurt that I am a rural Idaho resident, which automatically makes me a potato expert.

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You may be thinking to yourself that forty years is a little bit “mature” for a spokesperson, but I argue that I have about thirty-nine years of chip-chomping experience. Of course it was more gumming than chomping at first. Don’t judge…in those days you could feed your kids anything. They didn’t discover infants needed a special diet until the ‘90s.

I think I can get the local community behind my efforts, also. Many don’t realize that Lemhi County is actually the birthplace of the Native American potato princess Sacajetaters; not to be confused with Potatohantas. She introduced the Lewis and Clark expedition to Lay’s lightly salted potato chips. They were very grateful because Clark suffered from hypertension and didn’t need the additional salt.

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The process of removing the potato from the ground, called tuberligation, is an Idaho artform. It involves a secret sequence of events that results in frozen french fries. I can say no more. I was jumped into la Simplot nostra as a teen and am risking removal of my potato DNA, and trust me, they can do it.

This is not a stunt

I am sincere in my quest to become the “unofficial “ spokesperson for Lay’s potato chips. They may be an unrecognized superfood…at the very least they are a super snack. After eating the contents of half a bag, and they have made sure you won’t eat any less (I sense the long reach of la Simplot nostra), a warm sensation of well-being descends upon your brow.

As I stand outside the high school with my Vote for Pedro…er Matt sign, it won’t be long until the police come and escort me off the property. Until then, I am working on the skit to go along with my acceptance speech. It contains some rad interpretive potato dance moves and a liger, which is bred for its skills in magic. A million clams for a potato chip flavor doesn’t suck, and neither does Idaho. (I am now going to enter clam flavor…bahahaha)

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