Category Archives: Rails and wails

This is the complaint department of my blog

I Declare Yeehawd

 

The world watches Islamic extremists commit atrocities against women, children, Christians, above average looking goats…and pretty much everybody else. They promise acts of terror in our country because…well…because they hate our stinking guts. We offend them with our sexuality, our free speech, our excessiveness in every aspect of our lives, our sexuality, and mostly because of our meddling foreign policy. I do not pretend to know the intricacies required to co-exist with other nations, but looking at the track record of our nation…I don’t think the people we’ve entrusted with those decisions do either. Continue reading I Declare Yeehawd

10 Keys To An Average Life

 

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Let’s face it, being exceptional is not for everyone. Most of us do not have the drive, desire, or capabilities required to stand out in a crowd. Success is an elusive, perplexing concept that remains out of reach like the will-o’-the-wisp of folklore. As someone who excels at mediocrity, I am here to help you set your sights lower, think smaller, and lean neither out nor in…but against a wall. Here are the 10 keys to an average life (the list should be longer, but procrastination and apathy set the word count): Continue reading 10 Keys To An Average Life

How to turn a small problem into a large one

Trying to take a shortcut, when you know better, often leads to increased complications. Case in point: the bake element in our kitchen range went out recently. Not a big deal right? Order a new element, remove two screws, pull old element out several inches to reveal wire connections…and here is where the trouble started. There was a wire snugly attached to one side of the element, but not the other side. Read on to discover how to turn a small problem into a large one. Continue reading How to turn a small problem into a large one

You Might Be A Facebook Stalker

I was a little resistant to get on board with social media. I am now deeply immersed on multiple platforms; they devour hours of my day that, otherwise, would have been spent doing something productive. It’s where I get my news, do business research and reading, and follow things that interest me. I very rarely bare my soul or post excessive personal information, as so many do. I do share pictures of my family and the things we are doing, and I occasionally join a political discussion. I have been caught several times red-faced, yelling at my computer or phone. Continue reading You Might Be A Facebook Stalker

Easter Egg Hunt…Metaphor for Life?

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Easter brings with it a sense of renewal and freshness; warm weather and the resolve to get outside and tackle a yard that has been neglected since last fall. Unless, of course, it snows. Then we prefer to bundle up together and stare at the television. We are forced to brave the elements, however, for the annual Easter egg hunt. Children and parents gather in droves at the City Park. Easter dresses and bonnets abandoned in favor of winter coats and knit hats. The steamy breath of each child escapes, eager with anticipation. Continue reading Easter Egg Hunt…Metaphor for Life?

Shut Your Face

How can you be mad at this?
How can you be mad at this?

I have received some serious heat in our household because I taught my five year old daughter to say “shut your face”. It is sort of a joke between her and I; we even use it as a final goodnight after I have read a story and tucked her in. We do it in a deep, gravely voice and it never gets old. I understand that it’s probably not the best thing for a very young girl to have in her repertoire, but damn it is cute. I have decided to make it the basis for a campaign against speaking before you think something through. Yes…I do love me a good campaign. Just for the record: I feel that a serious campaign brings legitimacy to anything, no matter how reprehensible. Continue reading Shut Your Face

Things I am Not Thankful For

Being a “glass half empty” sort of guy…I often notice and dwell upon the negative. In this season of joy and thanksgiving, I would like to share some things I am NOT thankful for. It starts when we are still recovering from the sugar-high of Halloween. Retailers began bombarding us with sales and commercials that hint of Christmas. Family and friends descend, like seagulls, with well-wishes and invitations. Children produce substantial literary works that pass for a Christmas list these days. I literally want to “deck the halls” by Thanksgiving. Continue reading Things I am Not Thankful For

My Battle Against Conformity

I was recently asked to leave a local establishment because of a particular item I was wearing. The proprietor said that the article in question was offensive to the other patrons who were trying to eat their breakfast. No, I was not wearing a firearm in a restaurant. Why would you think that? It was in my own kitchen, and I was wearing cut-off jean shorts. My wife told me that I was free to wear whatever I wanted in the privacy of our bedroom, or in the garage, but that I was forbidden to wear them in any public place. Continue reading My Battle Against Conformity

Fastest Tongue in the West

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The seventh member of our family is a toy Australian Shepherd named Pearl. She is a tiny bundle of nerves that looks a bit like a cotton ball between haircuts…with black spots, of course. She is very loving and protective of our family, barking and growling at anyone who enters our yard (or drives by in a manner not to her liking). She once even tried to bite the mailman, but that may have been from the influence of television and violent video games. Continue reading Fastest Tongue in the West

IT DOESN’T TWERK

Twerking is an occasional topic of discussion in our home. It is one of those things that certain people make their bodies do and fascinates the rest of us. I get that it’s a little bit dirty and suggestive, but put that aside for a moment. Can you do it? I bet you have tried in the bathroom mirror after watching a YouTube video. I have too.

According to my 13 year old daughter, it looks a lot like I’m having a seizure. Most of the parts on my body don’t shake or bounce all that well. Continue reading IT DOESN’T TWERK