Category Archives: Lemhi County

Stories in or about Lemhi County

Ridicule Others and Improve Self-Esteem

In cooperation with established research entities (YouTube mostly), I have developed one sure-fire way to feel better about yourself. This method has been scientifically proven by some science guys in a comprehensive study. The details of that study are not herein important, but I wanted you to know that this is a legitimate presentation. So here it is: the surest way to improve your own feelings of worth and satisfaction is to make fun of other people. Now hold on turbo…I know that this sounds really simple and silly to begin with, but bear with me. The following is a primer on how to ridicule others and improve self-esteem. Continue reading Ridicule Others and Improve Self-Esteem

‘Twas The Fight Before Christmas

 

 

Greetings well-wishers and merry-makers
I used to think you shallow, happiness fakers
Then “tis the season” struck me two days past
Outside Walmart I flipped my cookies at last
I pushed down Santa and kicked over his kettle
Then stomped on his bell and flattened the metal
The fat, jolly elf cringed, his beard all askew
I laughed quite maniacally and cried a little too
A little old woman shook her finger in my face,
“Have you no remorse, not even a trace?”
I frothed and I spit as I screamed my reply
She took a step back avoiding my eye
“I do not feel bad, and I loath St. Nick!
He’s addicted to cookies and is a bit of a dick!”
I then pontificated on the farce of glad tidings
Of elves, and reindeer, and nighttime sleigh ridings
I didn’t even get to the part with the list
‘Cause my vision was obscured by a fat-fingered fist.
When I finally awoke, in the gutter I lay
Shoppers ignored me and went on their way
Dropping coins in the kettle as they had before
Exchanging greetings as they entered the store
That lady watched me clenching her fingers
It turns out she was the Yuletide ringer
I rubbed my jaw and stuck out my lip
It seems my pride had taken a trip
She said, “Now that you’re calm, please listen.”
And as she spoke her eyes began to glisten
“This time of year is not about packages or bows;
It’s not about cell phones, or gadgets, or clothes.
It’s about family and friends, and goodwill toward all,
About giving…as we learn when we’re small.
You’ve lost sight of what things matter most
Your Christmas spirit is gone…it’s toast!
So, instead of lashing out…open up instead.”
With that she hugged me and kissed my head
My heart grew warm and suddenly felt light…
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!

Happy Holidays you filthy Animals! Being a grinch at Christmastime may suck, but Idaho does not!

Sunday Drive Fail

 

There are hazards to spring Sunday driving. Where we live, going for a drive has always meant heading for the hills. Driving mountain roads is relaxing and enjoyable. There is a new adventure waiting around every corner. There are also hazards at certain times of the year. The following is a hypothetical situation I have created to showcase the possible dangers of driving in the mountains in the early spring. Pay attention to the mistakes our hero “Max” makes on a family outing, and the way his wife “Jann” responds on this Sunday drive fail. Continue reading Sunday Drive Fail

Chicken Herding

I have thought from time to time that I would like to keep a few chickens. Fresh eggs are far more enjoyable and healthier than those at the grocery store. I have a charming picture in my head of several hens clucking about the yard keeping the bug population in check and providing the main ingredient for an omelet. My wife is vehemently opposed to idea. It may be her irrational fear of all birds, but I’m not sure. Continue reading Chicken Herding

How to Catch Moss

One hot summer day I took our three youngest fishing at the Hayden Creek pond. My children like to fish, and I enjoy it also. I’m just terrible at it, and I don’t know what the problem is. Possibly, I exude an anti-fish pheromone that travels along my fishing line into the water. It could be a fish-repelling magnetic field that emanates from my body. The best I can do is frozen fish sticks at the local supermarket.

There you have it: I can’t twerk, and I can’t fish. If terrorists kidnap my family, and I’m forced to do one or the other…I will certainly miss them. Continue reading How to Catch Moss

A Three Hour Tour

 

Reminiscent of Gilligan’s three hour tour, I lost my way on a jeep ride with my wife. We had a couple free hours, one day, before I had to go to work. I suggested we go for a quick jeep ride since we hadn’t had it out yet. We have a 1975 CJ5 that we enjoy driving in the hills. It doesn’t have a back seat, so it’s kind of like a date when we go; no kids. Continue reading A Three Hour Tour

The Haunted Mesa

20140618_163428 The other day my four year old daughter begged to go “cruising”. When I asked what she meant she said, “You know…on the mountains…on a windy road, like we did before. We rode in the back of the truck next to the sky.” (I assumed that meant in the bed of my truck) She stated this in a tone like I was four years old, or daft.

I replied, “Oh, cruising! I thought you said bruising!” and started play fighting with her. Only she fights dirty, like her mother, and ended the brawl with a shot below the belt. Continue reading The Haunted Mesa

Budget Burton Snowboards

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Father’s Day had me thinking a little about my childhood and some of the shenanigans I was involved in with my family. Here’s a little look back. Thanks dad.

In the mid 1980’s, in the lost time of very big hair and leg warmers, we learned about Burton Snowboards. I must have been 10 or 12 years old. I remember seeing something about it on television, but I can’t say if it was the news or some other program. My family all thought it was pretty amazing. Everyone knew about skiing; although that was for people with more money or less children than us. But snowboards, that was like surfing on the snow! Continue reading Budget Burton Snowboards

MORNING RUN WITH SACAJAWEA

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Recently, my wife and I decided to go jogging at the Sacajawea Center in Salmon. We are desperately trying to preserve our health as we age, and running sounded like a great idea. The “Sac” Center, as it is affectionately known, offers running and walking trails with the scenic Lemhi River as a backdrop. Wildlife abounds; deer, beaver, various birds and critters make their home amid the trees and along the trails. There is even a sign near the entrance that allows visitors to mark which animals they observed while walking. Continue reading MORNING RUN WITH SACAJAWEA