All posts by Matthew

‘Twas The Fight Before Christmas

 

 

Greetings well-wishers and merry-makers
I used to think you shallow, happiness fakers
Then “tis the season” struck me two days past
Outside Walmart I flipped my cookies at last
I pushed down Santa and kicked over his kettle
Then stomped on his bell and flattened the metal
The fat, jolly elf cringed, his beard all askew
I laughed quite maniacally and cried a little too
A little old woman shook her finger in my face,
“Have you no remorse, not even a trace?”
I frothed and I spit as I screamed my reply
She took a step back avoiding my eye
“I do not feel bad, and I loath St. Nick!
He’s addicted to cookies and is a bit of a dick!”
I then pontificated on the farce of glad tidings
Of elves, and reindeer, and nighttime sleigh ridings
I didn’t even get to the part with the list
‘Cause my vision was obscured by a fat-fingered fist.
When I finally awoke, in the gutter I lay
Shoppers ignored me and went on their way
Dropping coins in the kettle as they had before
Exchanging greetings as they entered the store
That lady watched me clenching her fingers
It turns out she was the Yuletide ringer
I rubbed my jaw and stuck out my lip
It seems my pride had taken a trip
She said, “Now that you’re calm, please listen.”
And as she spoke her eyes began to glisten
“This time of year is not about packages or bows;
It’s not about cell phones, or gadgets, or clothes.
It’s about family and friends, and goodwill toward all,
About giving…as we learn when we’re small.
You’ve lost sight of what things matter most
Your Christmas spirit is gone…it’s toast!
So, instead of lashing out…open up instead.”
With that she hugged me and kissed my head
My heart grew warm and suddenly felt light…
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!

Happy Holidays you filthy Animals! Being a grinch at Christmastime may suck, but Idaho does not!

Man Bun, Dad Bod

I occasionally get a “wild hair” idea, and recently it actually involved my hair. After reading an article on men’s hairstyles (thank you Facebook for putting important stuff in my feed), I felt the need to have an undercut. The undercut hairstyle is characterized by very short, or shaved, sides and back with the top longer, usually much longer. There are many variations…but I felt drawn to the “man bun”, or samurai top knot if you prefer (and I do).

Continue reading Man Bun, Dad Bod

Boomerang Flip-flop

Not just footwear.
Not just innocent footwear.

I have discovered a secret skill that is either inherent, or taught, to all mothers. It appears, seemingly by accident, with the first child. The ability increases exponentially with practice and appears much earlier with the second and subsequent children. The first time comes as an epiphany born of fatigue and frustration. At about the time a toddler starts to gain confidence and speed on their feet, they also begin to get into mischief. Mothers are constantly jumping, diving, and grabbing falling items. Fathers don’t think or react quickly enough and are therefore useless when Junior is perched naked on the kitchen counter with Grandma’s crystal vase. Continue reading Boomerang Flip-flop

ruminations of a 41 year old child

Today I am 41 years old. It is not a milestone, it’s not a way-point or rest stop on the way to wisdom that we assume comes with age. It’s merely another year, one of which I swore to stop acknowledging several back. Unfortunately, there are those that say they love me, yet remind me of my advancing mortality with annual gifts and cake. I don’t obsess about death or dying, but the years seem to pass with increasing rapidity. Can’t we slow this damn bus down? I want to smell some frickin roses! Continue reading ruminations of a 41 year old child

You Might Be A Facebook Stalker

I was a little resistant to get on board with social media. I am now deeply immersed on multiple platforms; they devour hours of my day that, otherwise, would have been spent doing something productive. It’s where I get my news, do business research and reading, and follow things that interest me. I very rarely bare my soul or post excessive personal information, as so many do. I do share pictures of my family and the things we are doing, and I occasionally join a political discussion. I have been caught several times red-faced, yelling at my computer or phone. Continue reading You Might Be A Facebook Stalker

Easter Egg Hunt…Metaphor for Life?

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Easter brings with it a sense of renewal and freshness; warm weather and the resolve to get outside and tackle a yard that has been neglected since last fall. Unless, of course, it snows. Then we prefer to bundle up together and stare at the television. We are forced to brave the elements, however, for the annual Easter egg hunt. Children and parents gather in droves at the City Park. Easter dresses and bonnets abandoned in favor of winter coats and knit hats. The steamy breath of each child escapes, eager with anticipation. Continue reading Easter Egg Hunt…Metaphor for Life?

Sunday Drive Fail

 

There are hazards to spring Sunday driving. Where we live, going for a drive has always meant heading for the hills. Driving mountain roads is relaxing and enjoyable. There is a new adventure waiting around every corner. There are also hazards at certain times of the year. The following is a hypothetical situation I have created to showcase the possible dangers of driving in the mountains in the early spring. Pay attention to the mistakes our hero “Max” makes on a family outing, and the way his wife “Jann” responds on this Sunday drive fail. Continue reading Sunday Drive Fail

Shut Your Face

How can you be mad at this?
How can you be mad at this?

I have received some serious heat in our household because I taught my five year old daughter to say “shut your face”. It is sort of a joke between her and I; we even use it as a final goodnight after I have read a story and tucked her in. We do it in a deep, gravely voice and it never gets old. I understand that it’s probably not the best thing for a very young girl to have in her repertoire, but damn it is cute. I have decided to make it the basis for a campaign against speaking before you think something through. Yes…I do love me a good campaign. Just for the record: I feel that a serious campaign brings legitimacy to anything, no matter how reprehensible. Continue reading Shut Your Face

Facial Hair Discrimination

I recently conducted a social experiment which involved growing a full beard. I have alternated my entire adult life either clean shaven or sporting a well trimmed “Van Dyke”. The Van Dyke is a combination of both goatee and mustache and is a popular choice for men. I have observed a movement some are calling “lumbersexual”. Yes, this is actually a term used to describe a certain portion of bearded men looking to be more “manly”. Most have never swung an ax in their lives and would pale at the thought of running a chainsaw. Continue reading Facial Hair Discrimination

Reduced Sex Drive?

Got the winter blues?

Today I would like to discuss a serious illness. Seasonal depression, or Seasonal Affective Disorder with the super-not-so-cute acronym SAD. This affliction is characterized by extreme mood changes with the seasons. Winter seems to be the season that causes the most grief, but there are some weirdos that suffer in the summer. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: inability to rise in the morning, tendency to overeat carbohydrates, lack of energy, and REDUCED SEX DRIVE. So, now we know that cold weather impairs the whoopie-receptors (Yes, we have those). All of this leads to pessimism, depression, and hopelessness. (And you thought it was our country’s economic and political situation.)

Continue reading Reduced Sex Drive?